I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
What the hell happened here.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.