why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
*orders delivery*
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
no refunds
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send