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I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row