friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
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Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.