Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
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With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
i spent way too long on this
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Cat.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.