Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.