Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
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Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you