They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
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*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Whisper out to librarians!
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!