Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
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Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.