My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
You Might Also Like
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Yup….perfect score!
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
This 4th of July, please remember…
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.