Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Seas the day!!!!
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects