I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
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Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
the #horror is real!
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
💯😂
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon