I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
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Wait a second…
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!