My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
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“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register