“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
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I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
when revenge coincides with naptime
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
british sex workers really pound for pound
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔