[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
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“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Stop it! 😂
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you