The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
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The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Comparing yourself to others
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman