It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
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So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.