Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
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There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Left at a local drug store…
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.