Spell check is for lasers.
You Might Also Like
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”