The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
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*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Camping tip: No.