Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
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SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
🚲+physics = winner
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.