Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
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Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.