11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
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ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?