Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
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Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
one of
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
yeah no that’s fair