You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
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Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Before & after 😅
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”