What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
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[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!