I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
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Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “