Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
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dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Dead sexy!!
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol