A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
hey, alexa
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”