Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.