I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
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My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
🤣dope
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
channeling her this year
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music