me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
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ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
You’re the water to my grease fire.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?