The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
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Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
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GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys