When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
You Might Also Like
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?