Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
You Might Also Like
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Last-minute gift idea!
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.