I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
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*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.