I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
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He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup