due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
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Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this