every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
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I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg