People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
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I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Seductively sings in Klingon.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.