Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass