I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
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He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*