we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
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when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting