inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Scream sneezers need love too.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*