I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
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Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
🤔😂😂
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“