I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
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Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate