In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
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I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Bread puns are on the rise!
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Life is a suicide mission.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.