Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
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*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.