I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
You Might Also Like
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.